The Kattelox Times

December 5594

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KATTELOX MAYOR IMPLICATED IN SCANDAL
Yesterday, long-serving Mayor of Kattelox Ameila was arrested in connection to the Refractor Cartel that was exposed and shut down back in April this year. The arrest comes after testimony given in-court that Ameila helped launder funds through City Hall and the Kattelox Bank, the latter of which is owned largely by Loath Inc., an organization that has a history of committing criminal offenses, primarily through acts of piracy, terrorism, illicit gambling, and abusing animals for profit.

"If you look at all of the clues," the Kattelox police inspector said in a short press conference "it's obvious she's a shady character. Just recently she's been able to raise 10,000,000z to build her coastal highway, and yet the government doesn't have the money to fund more important things like housing repair or a larger police budget. That money had to come from somewhere, and considering the island simply doesn't have that sort of money circulating, it most certainly came from a very wealthy overseas corporation like Loath Inc."

It's been suggested that this is the reason the Digger's Guild never operated on Kattelox - distancing the 2 parties physically would help disguise their strong affiliation. Furthermore, it's suggested that the last few elections have been fixed in favour of Ameila to keep her in a position of power beneficial to Loath Inc. and other animal-hating organizations.

"I could've told ya she was trouble 25 years ago, when she was first elected." a resident said, requesting to remain anonymous. "No one knows her last name, or even if she's got one or not! If that isn't suspicious enough, I don't know what is!"

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FRIED BIRDBOT SHORTAGES: A GROWING PROBLEM
Top overseers in the consumables and cooking industries are predicting a shortage of the traditional 'Fried Birdbot' Thanksgiving dinner as the main supplier of the dish - Calbanian Free-Range Birdbots Co. - lost much of it's funding when Loath Inc diverted its funds into legal debts. The company's CEO, who's only known by the name 'Glyde', has been unsuccessfully trying his talents as a clothing designer in the fashion industry in an attempt to cover the costs of birdbot production.

What could this mean for the average Katteloxian this coming holiday season? It means either a raised cost at the checkout, or having to compromise with atypical dishes. Said one resident, "We're thinking about just enjoying a burger or two at the Stripe. Sure, Ryshipian beef isn't as good as Calbanian birdbot, but it's quite a bit juicer and comes with the best fries I've ever tasted."

This also means that, due to the high cost and the shortage, the annual birdbot drop from off the hospital roof will not be happening this year, much to the relief of many animal lovers groups.

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FERAL CATS IN KATTELOX: A GROWING PROBLEM
A new study on the undomesticated feline population of Kattelox reports that over the last 2 years, the cat population has quadrupled, causing numerous ecological problems, as well as construction woes for Kattelox's coastal highway.

"We made the mistake of taking a couple in a year or so ago," says one woman who lives in the north-east corner of the residential area, "and wouldn't you know it, a short while later there were at least a dozen of them in our house...and then two dozen...and we started having problems caring for all of them...the urine and feces everywhere became so nauseating we couldn't live their anymore...we're trying to get rid of the cats, but the only place buying them is Stripe Burger, for their 'exotic menu' dishes...and it just seems so cruel...". She continued for another 30 or so minutes about the benefits of animal rights and activism.

A city hall official has been quoted as saying, "The population on the island is out of control, especially with their excessive breeding. I wish there was a way of purging the island in one fell swoop, ya know, like every couple years or something like that" during the announcement of a new program to promote the removal of the excess of cats around the island, named the "Feline Reinitialization Program".

A reminder to all townspeople, as a famous KTOX gameshow host said, "Help control the pet population. Have your pets fixed or castrated."

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DUCK ABUSE TO THE NORTH: A GROWING PROBLEM
A recent polls suggests Yosyonke residents are concerned about the number of bruised, beaten, and booted ducks lying in the back alleys of the city. It is unknown how the animals got to be in such a condition, but a popular theory is that mischievous children and tourists kick the animals around as they're resting for amusement.

"This needs to be outlawed," an anonymous bar patron said. "I mean, the Calincian Duck is a national symbol. For it to be disgraced like this is a total travesty and mocks everything our peaceful country stands for."

At the time of printing, a law is being drafted. It is tentatively named "Kick kicks for kicks".

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SENSATIONALIST STORIES ABOUT ANIMALS: A GROWING PROBLEM
One of our main reporters was busy rioting in front of the Kattelox Video Game Design Studio, and the temp we hired was an extremely biased animal liberationist. We're sorry for the inconvenience. The individual has been fired.

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THIS MONTH'S HOROSCOPE
ARIES: It might be family tradition, but with Uncle George getting up there in age, his eyesight failing, and the new medication his doctor has him on, it might be a wise idea to have someone else carve the Thanksgiving bird this year.
TAURUS: You can't go wrong with packing extra bandaids to take with you, just in case.
GEMINI: Your significant other has a secret love for novelty green-coloured ketchup. Buying them a bottle may make up for your most recent fight.
CANCER: The dark mustard yellow outfit looks better.
LEO: This sentence is a lie.
VIRGO: Over the next month, breathing will be very important to you. Failing to breathe may result in discomfort, injury or death.
LIBRA: The answer you seek is 14 clicks down the highway, get off at the #49 offramp, turn left at the intersection, and keep going until you see a giant donut sign.
SCORPIO: Look what you did...Are you proud of yourself for doing that?
SAGI: Take 2 aspirins and call the psychic hotline in the morning for your horoscope.
CAPRI: I before E, except after C, or in weird words.
AQUARIUS: Abort! Abort!
PISCES: Mwahahahaha...

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