The Kattelox Times

March 5595

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THE KATTELOX TIMES MASCOT TURNS 65!
February 19th, 5528...67 years ago, today, the first issue of The Kattelox Times rolls off the printing press. It was the culmination of 8 months of funding and converting a young entrepreneur Albert Wily's garage into a 3 employee news desk and print works. While the monthly 'Times had difficulties at first competing with the then-popular Ryship Gazette and the Yosyonke Conquistador, it was clear the island was anxious for the latest political propaganda and mindless celebrity drivel from a local perspective. The paper was a hit. To celebrate the 2nd anniversary of the publication, Wily revealed the yellow fish logo for the company that's still in use today, after his love for boating and the thriving fishing industry that provided the paper with it's first major headline - "Scandal in the Harbour - Something Fishy's Afoot!".

While Wily doesn't own the paper anymore - KTOX Media Enterprises acquired it in 5563, allowing Wily to retire and manage a part-time boat repair and rental dock with his son, who currently manages the business full-time - we're still around, still doing our best to keep to Wily's noble objective, to spread the highest calibre of misinformation as we possibly can.

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DOWNSIZING LEADS TO LOSS OF JOBS
Hot Potato Holdings announced yesterday that due to a lack of sales at one of the Jetlag Bakery franchises, 2 employees have been fired and the property sold off.

In a press release, the company has stated that owning 2 outlets would normally be a profitable move that would benefit both the company and the economy, however, the manager overseeing the acquisition of Bakery Sharkskin neglected to factor in the negligible distance between the 2 outlets. As such, due to large losses, both the overseeing manager and the single employee who worked in the store were let go as of 6PM, Friday the 17th.

With the loss of 2 jobs driving the unemployment rate up 2.5% to 53.3%, various townspeople are curious as to what the current acting mayor will do about this crisis. City Hall has yet to reply to any of our messages.

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TARMAC FUMES HAVE PICKETERS FUMING
A handful of residents took to protesting the continued construction of the Kattelox Coastal Highway 'KX-1' over the massive amounts of toxic fumes generated from the paving. However, after about 8 hours, they were talked into dispersing by the construction company as being confused and delusional on the fumes from the paving, and claimed that since the paving technique doesn't release any fumes, they should go home.

We're confused over whether or not the crew is actually producing fumes, as they both admitted and denied doing so, but we at the Times can't be bothered to figure it out right now, as most of us have headaches from the fumes from the paving of the highway.

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KIMOTOMA RESIDENTS UPSET WITH GOV'T
Residents of Kimotoma are upset over the perceived lack of care over the housing situation that has been affecting nearly the entire city for the last 8 years, after the famous Bonne Family raid occurred in 5586 which destroyed many of the buildings, especially the market and residential areas.

The Reconstruction Of Central Kimotoma (ROCK) Initiative has stated that they're trying to make city hall aware of the conditions of the average citizen. From their mission statement, "Most residents live under tarps or, if lucky, burnt out shells of old buildings. Most workers do as much overtime as possible at the toilet paper factory so as to keep from having to go home to suffer the cold desert night. The local economy is almost shot, and medical supplies and food aren't readily available for everyone. City hall should at least fund partial reconstruction of the city - at least the core - so people will have means to shelter themselves."

It continues, "Also, it wouldn't hurt if a plumbing and electrical network were installed. We may not be the richest of communities, but we aren't barbarians."

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THIS MONTH'S HOROSCOPE
ARIES: Dancing the funky chicken will bring you great fortune over the next 7 days.
TAURUS: Remember to look both ways before crossing your next of kin.
GEMINI: Over the next 14 days, you'll find a very important book that will change your life...page 839 has the key.
CANCER: Pull up! Pull up! Pull up!
LEO: Stash away a couple snowballs in your freezer...they'll be quite useful as projectiles in July.
VIRGO: Beans, beans, the magical fruit. The more you eat, the greater chance you have of collecting some inheritance money before the end of the month.
LIBRA: When life's unfair, don't get mad, get litigious.
SCORPIO: MISION! Infiltrate base and destoroy the secret weapon. ...Over.
SAGI: Shutting yourself away from the world and spending all day playing games and working on the computer is a good life choice...yeahhhh....
CAPRI: (this space was intentionally left blank)
AQUARIUS: If all else fails, get her a Pokte plushie.
PISCES: Your suspicions were right...however, you've been compromised. Find a safe house and lay low until we can arrange for a new identity.

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