The Kattelox Times

January 5596

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HEALTHCARE HELL
An anonymous informant has come forward this past week to tell about the horrible, substandard conditions of our island's hospital. The woman, approximately in her early 20s has given us an inside look at what she believes to be what's wrong with the administration and the internal policies, on the condition that we withhold her name, because she fears that she may be refused what little treatment she can get, the next time she becomes ill.
"Having been in and out of the hospital since the early 80s, I've seen how the quality of the service has decreased dramatically. I'm not positive if this is because of the medical system as a whole failing, a lack of funding, or simply because they have a grudge against those more prone to ailments, like myself."
"The hospital really only employs 3 nurses. There aren't any doctors in the building. Furthermore, 2 of them absolutely refuse to do any actual medical work, and simply work the front desk. The fact that the front desk only has 1 chair doesn't deter the other nurse, who simply just walks back and forth behind the counter. It's that sort of laziness that makes me wonder if they could handle for the possibility of an epidemic or even something as simple as 3-4 people getting sick at the same time." [[When 4 people is nearly 10% of the population, that is arguably an epidemic -Ed.]]
"And to top it all off, the only nurse who tends to the patients has horrible bedside manner. She just says the same thing over and over whenever you talk to her. It's awful, especially for people who don't get many visitors."
"I really hope that City Hall can step up and fix the healthcare system before its too late. It's bad enough that treatment is expensive, but when you don't get your money's worth, you step back and you wonder if there's any point to going to the hospital at all."

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AIRPORT CHAOS AFTER WINDSTORM
Last night's windstorm caused major air traffic backups after one stack of crates toppled over, leaving flutters without a docking platform. Crews were immediately dispatched to the airport to minimize the damage, and start rebuilding the crate pile as quickly as possible, however, the efforts proved futile as the makeshift crate tower promptly fell over again upon nearing completion. Fortunately, no people were hurt in the incident, although at least 2 aircraft were dangerously low on refractor energy by the time they were given clearance for landing.
A statement from the airport and casino management states that, "[W]e're deeply remorseful for any problems this might have caused. However, our crate docks have been fully repaired and we do not expect any more problems or delays, and we have no reason to believe that the crates will topple over in the future, unless it gets windy again."
One of our local correspondents has pointed out that since it was originally a forested area, there wasn't a problem with windstorms until they began clearing out a vast amount of space for the casino and a 2nd crate dock.

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FOWL FASHION - DUCKS IN TUX
A recent survey shows that 95% of Yosyonkites hadn't realized that their town's feathered denizens have their own sophisticated fashion code, including wearing fitted suits during the week, top hats on holidays, and loose-fitting polo shirts on Saturdays. The observation occurred when a duck, in black suit and red bowtie, was seen inside the town hotel, operating the clothes dryer in the building's laundromat.
A representative of the duck community was able to give us a statement, however, it was largely an undecipherable sequence of quacks and other like sounds. It is believed that the animal was frightened, and just wanted to go home to its fully-furnished nest with edge-to-edge straw carpetting.

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STAY FIT - HOP ROOFS!
One of our sister publications, the Active Digger, has once again published its annual list of 10 great ways to stay fit. Highlights from the list included 'Kicking around objects for fun', 'Wall-climbing in a freshly-dug quarry', 'Running around wearing a heavy metallic suit in the Saul Kada Desert', and at the top of the list once again for the 5th year in a row, 'Leaping from rooftop to rooftop'.
"We've simply found that leaping across houses burnt the most calories," the editor said. "Not only do you have to use your legs to propel yourself forward, your upper body is used for stabilizing yourself, especially on those slanted rooftops which often have upwards of a 45 degree slope. Nothing else so far gives you that sort of whole-body workout with the same results."
Be sure to pick up your copy of the Active Digger, which went on sale last Monday, at your local newsstand.

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